Rants

Oh, she fucked you over and you’re upset about a 2 month relationship? Well you fucked me over big time and I’m upset about a 2 year on and off thing cause of you. It’s all you’re fault on complaining about not finding “her”.
Have fun with that, you had her and you tucked up

Karma is a bitch.
But it isn’t a good one.
There’s things that you do that will find a way to come back. Even if you think you’re life is great as it is now. Don’t be too sure about that, karma finds ways to drag on until last minute.
For example, you think things are going great, talking to a great guy who can make you smile without even a glance. Things go quiet. You find out he’s with someone else. Months passes by, no luck. Seeing things about them that you don’t want to see. Then BAM! It ends, that person is depressed thinking she was the one. News flash it only lasted for a month or two. The other relationship you had went on longer than that. It was unexpected.
Being depressed and bummed how about that other person isn’t worth it if he or she didn’t treat you the way you wanted to be treated. Maybe the right person has been right in front of you this whole time but you just give up without reason.
Now it’s time to think back around that time and think to yourself “was it worth breaking her or his heart? Was it a good choice? Was it for the better? Maybe he or she was the one?” Then later the thing will pop in your mind. “They were the one who got away.”

That lasted for 2 months, we lasted for about 2-3 years… I don’t know what to say about this but how stupid I am to still care for you deeply.. :/ it’s not like you’re just going to randomly come back to me or something…

What an ass of a move… That seriously just got to me.

Honestly, you’re my first at doing things I would of have never done before. You actually got me out of my comfort zone a little more and more everyday. You should feel special, cause HELL, you are special to me. I can’t believe I’ve actually had thoughts of you being my “first” if things actually went as planned 2 weeks ago but I did. I was kinda somewhat scared, but everything you said you wanted where the things I wanted to. It’s sounds weird but it was. I just feel so stupid for falling so fucking deep hole I’ve created myself.. I just really want us to work…

Where I’ve held on to something for the longest time hoping things get better then BOOM. It happens, I’m happy, your happy, things are going through, the future looks bright.. Then something happens… The communication dies right then and there. You look back for the bad signs that indicates something, but nothing. So how you’re sitting in your room, wondering what to say to them. The next day later, you get screwed over, head and heels screwed the fuck over. Thinking back, “Wow, I just believed in EVERY word they told you before.” That’s where I’m at right now. I’m shocked, I’m pissed, I’m extremely unloved. I believe in those tears I saw with my very eyes. I thought you meant every last word you said. Now all of those words are haunting me. Especially that I love you.

After seeing that “Walking home from work but made a stop to visit a very importany person” made me I really want a drink, when I mean drink, I mean drink. I’ve never drunk before I’m willing to start that right now. You honestly found another way to make me feel like shit.. I really love you, you fucking know it to. That heart to heart conversation we had actually made me feel special… I can’t even fucking explain how I feel like right now.. My emotions are all over the place.

My emotions started off as bitter and sadness. Then later on turned into anger. Now I’m just not sure about anything anymore.. I honestly feel screwed over and used. I’ve given you so many chance.. I’m stupid enough to still give you those chance at this very moment. But I hope you feel bad about your choices, knowing you hurt me the worst way possible, and knowing how much burden you gave me. I hope you’re happy. I actually believe in every fucking word when you said you loved me and how hard it was for you to move on without thinking about me.. I seriously did, I never knew a great guy like you would actually do this type of thing. I guess I was wrong.. I’m trying so hard to say fuck it I hate relationships period, and I hate distance. It’s true, I now officially hate long distance relationships. As much it gives my hopes to a higher point, life always finds it’s way to fuck it up and screw up. I’m lost all hopes on having a relationship that’s because I know, I swear to go, there’s not another person out there who is just like you…

“He isn’t worth it Joanna. Let him go. He’ll just reel you in and throw you back out again like he did before”.
Me: trust me he’s worth it after telling me EVERYTHING THAT WAS ON HIS MIND. I’m just gonna throw EVERYTHING aside just for him.
Oh well, a week without talking to each other cause I can’t find a way to get my ass out there. I really really like him still, I know these feelings aren’t going anywhere.
Oh so you’re now in a relationship with someone else? Well thanks, you OFFICIALLY broke me after all the shit and games you’ve put me through. This is what I mean by me feeling used. Fuck the trip to go down there next weekend… I actually got the money now, my pay check finally came in. I decided not to use it on anything by gas and food, since you another got “another person” within a week after saying I love you” to me.

I feel like I’m a second choice in everything. Prove me wrong.

Cause you would show back up, something bad happens, disappear, you make me feel like I’m worthless for not talking to me, few days or even weeks later, there you are again.

It honestly feels like I’m getting pushed away. I’m not starting a conversation till I know what’s really happening here. I tried that, I got nothing? So, yeah, I’m gonna be the idiot and wait.

• Our nightly facetime
• Falling asleep to your face
• Texting each other
• Telling each other our feelings
• How much we really want to see each other
• Saying stupid shit that make each other laugh
• Having you smile at me and instantly making me smile back
• Watching you be a dork on camera which is the best entertainment
• Getting good morning text messages during your break hour cause everyone knows I won’t be awake in the morning
• Having you letting me know how much you really miss me

I hate distance, I know you do to. But it’s still not going to stop me from loving you and even seeing you.

I sent you 2 text messages wondering if everything is ok.. No reply, ok cool. Second day, still no reply, has sorta good news. No reply, that’s awesome. Going to be the third day, as much as you know I really really like you still, and wanting to fight this distance. I feel fucking useless and hopeless at the moment where I don’t wanna go to the fucking funeral and catch the results to see who wins… Im in that stage where you haven’t talked to me in a while, feeling like you’re blowing me off again like you do when something bad randomly pops up.. Yes I mean disappearing on me. (I know I said I would go this week but I don’t have money.) and actually willing to spend my pay check to get my ass just to see your face. I told you already just a few weeks ago I’m actually stepping out of my comfort zone to actually tell you my feelings.. Well isn’t that just lovely? I actually stepped out of my comfort zone for you. I never do that with anyone. Trust me. So either reply back and tell me whats going on or, I don’t even know.

Seriously, I’ve been waiting and with every text I get, it’s either a friend who helps hope getting their mind off of someone or a stupid questions… Fuck I sound so clingy but hey, you’re the one who told me everything about how you felt, I told you the same. We’re even, we both want to be with each other. So quit complaining about how “you’re single” and “not a single girl likes you”. You know I’m right fucking here, waiting for you, feeling worthless when I see those type of posts. I’m here I’m not complaining, I actually talk about you around my friends, and I’m proud of it. So snap out of it, man up, and fight for this. I’m fighting for me, I’m really fighting hard for this relationship to work between you and me. I can’t always be the one who can transport herself to you. I know, I know, but I can’t get there to see you. Welp, it’s called Video chatting, we’ve been doing it for 2 weeks. That made me so happy just seeing your smile, that’s all I can get, it’s completely worth it for me. I’m telling you it’s better than sending each other pictures and texting each other. Yes, I don’t talk when we talk most of the time. You know I have to watch my mom. My dad can’t even do shit around the house properlly. So I’m the only one who can relie on. Its fucking bullshit, I really hate it a lot. I’m going to bed, man up, seriously. I tried to talk to you but you’re chosing to ignore me. So I did my job, it didn’t get knowledged, now it’s all up to you. I’m telling you, I don’t want thinks to screw up, all of these burdens I have are cause you caused it and you know it. (PS, I totally forget writing this but I’m just so pissed off, upset, and really sad about it.)

So it started off of me getting dragged to the car, not knowing where I’m going. Falling asleep in the passenger seat, then later on waking up in the place I’ve been wanting to go to. So I thought to myself, why the fuck not and go surprise him at work. I eventually did, had a want a few hours for him to get off work. We ended up hanging out that whole entire day. Then finally kissed after all of these years.. We went to dinner, caught a movie, then just say at the beach at like 8 in the evening. I would say it was a pretty amazing day (in my dreams). Yeah…. Theres more details but I would love to keep it to myself. But it was an amazing dream…

Im tired. Im really really tired. This wait is just too long. I just want to see you and get it over with, I’ve missed you so much. Before I thought I was getting completely over you, but I guess not. Since we’re waiting, I don’t know what the hell you’re gonna do. Me on the other hand, in still figuring things out. While we wait why can’t we just talk normally. Seriously, it scares me when we don’t in this type of situation. It reminds me what happened before. Talk for a while, all happy, few weeks later just silents. It bugs me a lot.
Well, I guess I have to wait and see.
It feels like we’ve been through this again and again and again.

Since you’re somewhat back into my life, and things are back to like it was before. Honestly, before you randomly started confessing to me about your feelings. I started to look at things differently, became happy, had things to do, my mind was always open to new things. But since you’re back, telling me everything I wanted to hear a year ago kinda changes things… Yes I wanna see you, but I’m not sure. My mind is in the future thinking, if we do pull this off, what’s going to happen? Will I be back to where I was a few weeks back?
Since I now know how you felt, my emotions are everywhere. I don’t know what to believe, how to co op with this problem..
Yes I miss you too. Yes I would love to get back together. I just need to get my shit straightened out before I go…
I’m scared, I’m miserable, but mostly clueless.
I hate myself cause I can’t express my feeling or find the words to explain myself/ feelings.
I honestly hate emotions period…
But a nice friend just told me “if you do want to get back together, wait. Maybe it’ll work out, maybe it wont. Just hope for the best and the answer will be clear to you.”
I think that time is now, you know, to think.

That’s what every typical guy would say when they don’t use their brains and think. Honestly, there’s a million things you can do to help a person feel better. Maybe actually talk to the person more instead of randomly pop out of the blue asking “How’s it going?” or “Is everything doing well?” Maybe you would know more if you were actually their next to that persons side the whole time he or she is going through a tough time. I know I am. I know “I’ve been busy lately” well so have I. I’ve been busy for the past month watching over my mom with her illness and with finals at school. Honestly, I really, I mean REALLY hate my life right now, at this very moment. There’s nothing in this world that’s going right for me. I just wish there’s more opinions for me. I wish I actually have someone who cares by my side every minute of the day that actually tries to comfort me through this hard time in my life. Maybe I need someone who really loves me right here, right now. I know I sound desperate. At least I know that I have someone who loves me, cares for me, tries to get me through a very tough day without letting me thinking about committing suicide and how no one is this world would care that I was gone if I actually did myself harm. I just need someone who means the world to me right now. All I do all day is sleep, wake up, go to class, watch my mom, get food, do the things my mom needs, clean the house, take a nap, get waken up by coughing every 5 minutes, then take a shower, stay up till my mom falls asleep, then pass out for 3 hours then having to wake up for class’s or help my mom 3-4 hours later. It’s a really hard and dark period of my life right now. I don’t have time for myself anymore. I don’t even have people to talk to without being scared they won’t be able to talk cause “I’m busy” “I can’t talk right now” “I’m at work I’ll talk to you when I get out (Never does)” There’s only two people in my life who I’m willing to tell them anything. One. My best friend and Two: someone who I shall not name but broke my heart then complains about how being single sucks. Sometimes my best friend is busy doing things with her family, or getting her homework done, maybe softball stuff. On the other hand, I have another person in mind, but every time I try to send a text message or try to call. I hesitate and end up not doing anything but be scared out of my mind thinking it’s going to be awkward, I’m going to breakdown if I hear “his” voice, or be rejected.

Sorry if I’m spamming your dashboard with this long ass rant, but I have no one to rant to. There’s only one person who I could rant to but I’m scared of being judged, rejected, or get heart broken. If I could change anything in my life, it would be to have courage instead of being shy. Being shy in this family is a pain in the ass. I never speak up for myself, I always have a close friend do that for me. I just wish I would have the balls to actually tell someone how I feel without being pessimist when it comes to these type of situation…

I fucking hate my life. I fucking hate who I am. I fucking hate who I become. I fucking hate the people in my life. I fucking hate the situation I fall into.

I fucking hate the fact that I can’t control myself from creating strong feelings for someone then get hurt. Then after can’t get over that person even though I didn’t last and was ended out of the blue…

Fuck my life.

I’m so attach, it’s crazy. I was in love. I just felt really REALLY safe with him, now not anymore. I was heart broken, I still am. Now I find out about this later on when it already happened. Makes me upset. That’s why when I had an opportunity to go somewhere, I didn’t think well enough. Do you know why? I thought I couldn’t happen the situation, waiting to get the boot again. Things might be different again then it did the last time I went. So I had to make up an excuse. This time, this upcoming up weekend, I have to go to see my uncle. No ands, if’s or butt’s. I guess I’m gonna lock myself in the guess room till its time to go home and and leave.
I just know it for sure if I do, there’s nothing for me anymore, nothing interesting to do, go back to nothing but sand.
The pass few months I felt used, like I feel like I’m a second choice. I hate that. I hate finding things out. I hate that. I hate remembering the horrible feels I have in my stomachs that made me wanna throw up.
Well it’s an indication to stop what I’m doing, and get over it I guess… Fuck guys, fuck love, fuck feeling a lonely constantly. I seriously don’t wanna live anymore due to the lies and shit going through my life.